It was tonight that I realized I struggle with something so deep and scarring that most people don't even think twice about.
I just read this very touching, sad article from an interesting perspective of someone who was murdered in the holocaust. I believe a man channeled his grandfather who was murdered.
Of course it got me stirred up and made me get emotional. Lately I've been getting better and better at not becoming so emotional about all this. Maybe I'm starting to release all the negativity from it?
What really got to me is that he speaks about his grand daughter who was killed alive. Certain mentions of specific things strike a chord in my memory and I re-live certain memories.
The feeling that plays over and over in me is being alone. I was 9 and an orphan because part of my family abandoned our side of the family (they weren't Jewish), and the rest were killed. It's a sense of not knowing what to do with myself; with my free time, and how I'm also going to survive on my own. The next memory is walking by myself, my head down; knowing I'm about to die.... die alone. There was no feeling in the world worse than that. Not only would it be bad to die alone as an adult, but imagine an innocent child. I was too young to realize that I was going to a better place, and I was to see my family again who I missed so much.
I really need to start working on this story a lot more often and create a schedule of some sort so I can get this done on time. It's as if something deep inside of me is telling me the world really needs to hear my story. I find myself saying this out loud like someone else is saying it. It's hard to explain what exactly I mean. I'm telling you, so much is going to happen once it's out. It may not change the world, but I'm determined to change it for the best.