Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The dream

I recently had an interesting dream. For the most part, my nightmares have stopped. Though a recent dream really has got me thinking. It wasn't a nightmare; it was actually quite enjoyable. In the dream, I survived through the war and went on to live a happy life. I went through all the happy times in that life. The rest of that life was going to be very happy; compared to what I had gone through.

As with most dreams of that life, I wake up thinking I'm still in that life and it takes me a while to realize I'm in the new life. It sounds morbid, I know. After waking up from this particular dream, I think I'm an old lady and I did in fact survive (I would have been 78 now had I lived--very weird to think that).

Depression took over me that day. It made me realize that there is so much I need to teach people--regarding what happened to the innocent deaths of so many children, and of course that past lives are very real and how we need to learn from them in order to spiritually grow. I was also depressed because I learned in my dream what my life would have been like had I survived--and I began to get angry about my life being taken from me. That wore off pretty quickly, because I've learned never to regret. There's a reason why things happen. But that doesn't mean that I don't get upset about that from time to time.

This may sound very weird, but the few times I get really emotional and cry over this, I feel like a spirit is here consoling me. Like she's telling me relax and not let it get to me like this. I've seen my spirit guide in my dreams many times, so I have a feeling it's her. It's sort of a comforting feeling.

You know, one positive experience, after all the sadness I go through, happened while I was in Auschwitz. In case you don't know, I can see spirits. We were staying in Auschwitz; right across the street from the camp. I know, what a morbid place to stay. I thought it would be good for me. Late at night I decided to take a walk over there (though of course the gates weren't opened). It was so serene. No one would ever expect millions of people had been brutally murdered and tortured on those very grounds just 70 years ago. Anyway, I had never seen anything like it--definite child spirits running all over the place. You could tell they were playing. There was a real serene sense among them. That's kind of an understatement because I can't find the right word to use. They were all very happy to be there with one another and didn't seem like they wanted to go anywhere since they were having fun. Normally I communicate with spirits to make them crossover, but I didn't feel the need to with them. I guess because they were happy.

Stay tuned for more... I hope I'll be able to write fairly soon again and not space it within 4 months like I let happen to the other entry!!

Thoughts going through my mind again.

It was tonight that I realized I struggle with something so deep and scarring that most people don't even think twice about.

I just read this very touching, sad article from an interesting perspective of someone who was murdered in the holocaust. I believe a man channeled his grandfather who was murdered.

Of course it got me stirred up and made me get emotional. Lately I've been getting better and better at not becoming so emotional about all this. Maybe I'm starting to release all the negativity from it?

What really got to me is that he speaks about his grand daughter who was killed alive. Certain mentions of specific things strike a chord in my memory and I re-live certain memories.

The feeling that plays over and over in me is being alone. I was 9 and an orphan because part of my family abandoned our side of the family (they weren't Jewish), and the rest were killed. It's a sense of not knowing what to do with myself; with my free time, and how I'm also going to survive on my own. The next memory is walking by myself, my head down; knowing I'm about to die.... die alone. There was no feeling in the world worse than that. Not only would it be bad to die alone as an adult, but imagine an innocent child. I was too young to realize that I was going to a better place, and I was to see my family again who I missed so much.

I really need to start working on this story a lot more often and create a schedule of some sort so I can get this done on time. It's as if something deep inside of me is telling me the world really needs to hear my story. I find myself saying this out loud like someone else is saying it. It's hard to explain what exactly I mean. I'm telling you, so much is going to happen once it's out. It may not change the world, but I'm determined to change it for the best.